Been dating for 4 years

I love your column and think you do a great job of answering questions and concerns with sympathy, empathy and insight. I asked if that’s why he doesn’t want to move in—because he’s afraid we’ll break up and it’ll be a pain to move out.

We knew a couple who broke up after living together.

In my opinion, the choice to commit starts when those feelings of love begin to lessen.

been dating for 4 years-18

Their girlfriends were all 3-4 years older, and they were feeling far more biological pressure than I suspect that you do. Thus, the only leverage you have is to walk away from him and see if he follows. These are just things that you might do to avoid breaking up, but they don’t ensure that you’ll be together forever. You talk about your boyfriend’s “professional priorities” that prevent him from proposing. My best friend is getting married this week even though he’s quitting his safe job as a lawyer to start his own company. Hopefully by dating, she -and eventually he- will see her real values.

And yet, despite their ticking clocks, they hung in there patiently, just like you… That’s when they decided to leave if they didn’t get a ring. At the 3-year mark, there’s literally no new information that your boyfriend is trying to gather about you. If you want to be married, it’s time for him to step up and marry you. I assure you, if your guy wanted to marry you, it would happen.

He’s been working on it for more than 2 years so I don’t know if that’s also a factor in why he’s reluctant to move forward.

We almost never fight, but when we do it’s always about the bigger issue: our future together. I’ve told him that I’ll wait and believe he’ll be worth it.

If he doesn’t want to marry you, it’s time for him to let you go. Only some version of “I’m not ready,” or “I’m not sure”. What you don’t want is to be the woman who holds on, hopefully, giving him everything he wants and sacrificing everything that you want.

I know someone who has spent 7 years – her childbearing years – waiting for her boyfriend to propose. If you’re willing to be that woman – the one who waits forever for the day that never comes, then that’s your prerogative.

She’s just (rightfully) insecure that her boyfriend’s afraid of taking the next step. Another thing she can do is still seeing him but decrease her level of commitment until he steps up to the plate. That will keep her busy and less available and appear more confidence around him because other guys adore her. And she might get lucky along the way by finding the right man whom she’s crazily attracted to who is ready and available for her.

But what course of action gives Sophie better options? Now cut the patience, get your answers, or move on. It’s a losing battle for any woman to get attached to a man who doesn’t want to man up.

So while you might think, “Yeah, but she may have wasted three years on a guy who won’t marry her,” you’d be mistaken.

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